IQ The Real Version
by Sir Weston
Summary: This is my better version of a crap tastic movie. IQ is a romantic comedy which has Stephen Fry in it, which was the only why I watched it. It also has an actor portraying Albert Einstein. Anyway, enjoy or else! R&R please!
1. Chapter 1 Stephen!

**I.Q. The Real Version**

**This is what should've happened in the crap-tastic "romantic comedy" movie, I.Q. It got it all wrong. None of what happened in the move made sense. So, I made it better. Enjoy! Or Else!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own I.Q, thank God, but I wish I owned Stephen! 3**

**Chapter 1 Stephen is James, but That's Not the Only Thing That Rocks**

Catherine "Cathy" Boyd "Yo Mammas Phat" was supposedly a very beautiful creature, and wonder of nature. With golden curls, rosy cheeks, red lips, and a charming smile, she was actually quite hideous. But people thought she was pretty anyway. With a brain the size of a cow, and a head to go with it, Cathy was always getting the eye from men. Too bad she was already engaged to someone else.

James (pronounced "jams" but not really) Moorland was a very handsome man, whom Cathy was completely undeserving, but he was modest and nice. He was into psychology, unlike his fiancé, who was into non-important and stupid things, like the fact that there is no color on a sub atomic plane. WHO CARES? (Cathy does.) He often took her out with him, like a good fiancé, and bought her whatever she liked.

There was one thing about Catherine, though. Her uncle was the Great Albert Einstein, AKA "Ya Albo Ein Frolo Voldo" and was very protective of her. When he wasn't working on moving stuff and what E=, he inquired Suzy, er, I mean Cathy about her love and sex life. Albert didn't approve of James very much, but he stayed out of it. Most of the time. Some of the time. Very little of the time. There was hardly a time when he wasn't sticking his mustache in her business.

"So Sally," the slowly going senile Einstein said to her one day, "How's your sex life going? He, you know, given ya enough satisfaction?"

"First of all, uncle, my name is Catherine," the girl said, "And second, that is totally gross. Why do you keep asking me that?"

Instead of answering, Einstein strode over to the fridge and took out a piece of pie. Cathy stared in confusion. When did they get pie? She wanted pie! She eagerly ran to the fridge and opened it, a face lighted with joy, which immediately gave way to crest fallen disappointment. She turned to her uncle, a look of defeat on her face. Einstein looked at her.

"Oh yeah," he said, "This is the last piece of pie."

"But I want pie!" Cathy whined.

"Oh, sure," Einstein said, excitedly, "It's 3.14159265…"

"Not that kind of pie!" she cried.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door. Leaving her uncle to continue reciting the value of pi, (the number, not the delicious dessert) she went to answer it. It was her darling future husband, James.

"Catherine," the smexy James-being-played-by-Stephen-Fry greeted, "May I come in?"

"But of course!" Cathy replied, and ushered him in. "What brings you here so early?" she wondered.

"I thought you might like to go out for a morning drive," James said, "Would you?"

"Would I?" Cathy asked, excitedly.

"Would you?"

"Would I?"

"Would you?"

Cathy stared at him, confused. "Would I what?" she asked.

"Care to go out for a morning drive?"

Cathy gasped with delight. "Would I?"

Sexy, I mean, James took her hand. "Let us go, darling," he said, and led her out the door.

**So that's that! Einstein was still reciting pi when they left, eventually going into how to make a pie, into the history of the pie chart, into singing "Bingo." Next chapter we meet the terribly rude and not sexy at all Ed! Joy! Or not joy? Remember to read and review! Reviews are an author's life! It's how we know if we're doing good or not!**


	2. Chapter 2 Ed Walters Appears

**I.Q. The Real Version**

**Hey there! Yes, I'm putting up another chapter already! Yay! As promised this chapter introduces "I'm a jerk and Not very smart" Ed "Who cares?" Walters. He meets Cathy "Wow, what does this do?" and James "Smexy Man." Also in this chapter are Ned "For Pete's Sake" Neddy, Rob "Mr. Monk the detective" Rossetti, and Bob "Jekapalooza" Robbie. Enjoy, and don't forget to R&R!**

**Chapter 2 Ed "Sparkly Vampire Fairy" Walters Appears!**

"How was I supposed to know that running over broken glass, dead bodies, and a curb would cause the car to break?" Cathy complained as they pulled into a repair shop, "They never taught me that in driver's school!"

James rolled his eyes as Ned "Repair Woman" Neddy, Rob "What the Heck?" Rossetti, Bob "Joe Momma" Robbie, and Ed fought over who got this car. Finally, in an invigorating "rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock" fight, Ed started to come over. And then he spotted her. An angel in disguise of a mildly attractive young woman. He had to pinch himself with great display in the buttocks several times to be sure he wasn't dreaming. His and Cathy's eyes met. A fly buzzed between them. As they gazed at each other in a typical, "OMG, I want to bang that person because it's love at first sight," scene, the fly locked itself in Cathy's eye and she started picking at it with her long, pointy nails, efficiently ruining the moment.

Ed drooled as he shuffled over to the couple. "Hi," he greeted stupidly, "Is name Ed my. Pretty you is." James and Cathy looked at each other, then at Ed.

"Pardon?" asked James.

Ed shook his head. "Um, welcome to Rob 'What the Heck Are You Talking About' Repair shop. What do you want?" He glared slightly at the gentleman who was not at all being rude, and gave him absolutely no reason to hate him, other than the fact that he was standing next to this beautiful boring girl that he was attracted to, sort of.

"Our car needs repair," James said, politely, "Can you fix it?"

"Of course I can!" Ed snapped, "I'm a freaking repair man! That's what you pay me for isn't it? Are all British this stupid? GOD! Now get out of my way!" He made a great deal of effort to shove James aside, but, having the upper body strength of a newborn hamster, failed. So instead he strode over to Catherine, without even glancing at the car.

"Hey, baby," he said, "How about doing me?"

Catherine, being as smart as her uncle himself, blinked stupidly and smiled. "Do you what?" she asked.

Ed stared stupidly at her. "You wanna make out?" he asked.

"No thanks," Catherine replied, "I still have to wait for my uncle to try to make you look like your someone you're not before I fall in love with you. Right, honey?"

"If you say so," James replied, shrugging.

Ed grumbled to himself. "Fine," he snapped, "I'll look at your damn car!" He opened the hood and found a beehive with tons of bees. The bees flew out, stung Eddy, and then flew away.

"Ow!" he said, stupidly, and then stuck himself almost entirely into the car. He saw a broken wire. "Well here's your problem," he scowled, reaching for the wire, "You've got no spark!" He picked up the wire and immediately got electrocuted. He flew out of the car as it started.

"Hey, it worked!" Cathy squealed, excitedly. "I am totally attracted to this guy now!"

"Thank you, sir," James said to Ed, "You really helped me out."

"I think you're stupid," Ed growled, "You realize I just want to bang your fiancé, right?"

"I appreciate that, Ed!" Cathy replied, smiling her girly girl smile. Then they both got into the car and drove off.

Ed stared after them. "Hey guys!" he called, "I just found my future wife!"

Ned "Repair Man Man Man Man Man" Neddy scoffed. "I bet," he snickered.

"Yeah," Bob "The Nose" Robbie agreed, "What did she look like?"

"Well, she had blonde curly hair, and blue eyes, and rosy cheeks," Ed sighed, "She was an angel. Didn't you see her? She was with that guy who just here!"

"I wasn't paying attention," Ned replied, shrugging.

Ed grumbled to himself.

When Cathy got back, she danced around the living room, happily. Einstein joined in and they both happily danced around. Eventually he stopped. "Why are we dancing?" he asked.

"Because!" Cathy replied, "I met this guy whose pants I want to get into! Oh, but not yet. You still have to turn him into a phony before I'll ever like him."

"Sho' nuff, niece," Albert said, "I'll get my gay scientist friends together and we can totally manipulate him! And then later, you can still act surprised that he lied to you!"

Cathy hugged him. "You're the best uncle ever!" she said.

**Ah ha! So that's how that happened! Now we know why Einstein did what he did and Catherine still got with Ed at the end! It was all set up before hand! Ah ha ha ha! I'm a genius! Anyway, please R&R! Or else!**


	3. Chapter 3 Einstein

**IQ: The Real Version**

**This is it! The thing you've been waiting for! Buh buh buh! IQ: The Real Version Chapter 3! Yay! This is for my friends! **

**PS: Unfortunately, I don't think James will appear in this chapter. (AWW!)**

**Chapter 3 Einstein Is Pimpalicous!**

Einstein had lots of gay scientist friends who liked to help him stalk people. Because I don't care about who they really were, we're going to call them Gay friend #1, Gay Friend #2, Gay friend #3, and Gay friend #4. On weekends, the five of them would stalk Cathy and discuss her private life behind her back. She had no free will with them.

One day, after the drive thru day, simply known as "The Ed Incident," Einstein and his friends decided to go check the place out. As they got in the car, Einstein turned to his friends.

"Do any of you remember how to drive stick?" he asked.

Three out of four of them shrugged. Gay friend #2 raised his hand. "I do!" He then proceeded to climb over everyone, (for he was in the back) and force his rump in everyone's faces. After he scrambled over the front seat, he sat on Al "Alberto Fresno" and slammed on the gas. Being in the garage, and also not being in reverse, the car crashed through the garage and out onto the road.

Being the jolly old men that they were, they turned on the radio and started singing:

"_Deck the harrs with berrs of Horry!_

_Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra! Ra Ra Ra Ra!_

_Tis the season to be jorry!_

_Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra! Ra Ra Ra Ra!"_

Suddenly, Einstein stopped. "Hey, fellas!" he said, "It's not Christmas!"

"Oh!" his Gay friends all said at once.

Finally, after getting lost and falling asleep at the wheel several times, they finally arrived at Rob "Bobert" Rosetti Repair shop where Ed worked. Albert, who was suddenly not being sat on anymore, jumped out of the car, with a grace that he should not have.

"Hey!" he called, "Which one of you ladies is Ed?"

"That'd be you, Ed," said Ned "Natchyo Cheese" Neddy.

Pulling up his pants for no reason, Ed walked out to the elderly men. "Hello, clearly past their prime gentlemen, what can I do for you?"

"Hi! I'm Albert 'Whoa Whoa Shake That Thang' Einstein! But you can call me Al!"

"Hey! I know you!" Ed exclaimed, "You're from the Little Einstein videos I own!"

Everyone stared at him. Ed stared back. "I mean, that I used to own." He said, quickly, "So, what brings you here?"

"You met my niece, Cathy 'Bang Me' yesterday, didn't ya?" Albert asked, "She told me about you. She said she'd rather bang you than her not-so-stuffy-but-I'm-saying-he-is-anyway fiancé."

"Really?" Ed asked, getting overly excited.

"Well, she didn't say it out loud," Al confessed, "But I could just tell. That's why me is a genius!" Then he stood there, proudly.

"Wow!" Ed sighed, "Tell me more about her!"

For the next two hours Albert told Ed really boring stuff about Cathy that no one else in the world could possibly care about at all. He even told him stuff not even Cathy new about herself. All the while, Ed listened with a fascinated boyish look on his face.

"Wow!" he sighed, "When can I bang her?"

"I've got a plan!" Albert said.

**I'm sorry this one is short. But I really wanted to post this. The next one will be longer, I promise! I will try to break 2000 words! Okay! See you later!**


	4. Update

**Hey everyone! It's me, Sir Weston! Sorry I haven't updated in a long time, but my lap top where I write my chapters was acting up. But it's good now, so you can expect some updates soon, so hoorah! I've also been busy with volunteering and trying to find a job, but I'll work harder at updating for you, my loyal fans. I'll replace this when I finish the chapter, so check back often!**

**Love!**

**~Sir Weston**


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